Thursday Critique-Megan Willie

Today I am pleased to have Megan Willie's first 250 from novel. I have pasted a clean copy for you to read then I'll put the one with my comments below. As always please lend a hand and give Megan any helpful hints you might have.

CLEAN COPY:
The summer before Jade turned eighteen was better than any she could remember since her parents died. When their final school year began that fall, she knew things were going to change between her and Tristan. She just never realized how much they would change.

When she stepped off the hover train and onto the platform just outside the school gates, Tristan was waiting for her. She smiled when she saw him. He always took the early hover train that came in the day before. That way, he could be settled in before most of the other students arrived.

At the gate, Jade swiped the badge that was tattooed onto her left wrist, the Government’s form of an ID badge, and the guard let her through with a smile. She ran over to Tristan and launched herself into his arms as the four other students, who had been on the train with her, scanned their own badges and walked through the gate.

“Miss me?” Tristan laughed as he gave her a quick squeeze and then released her. It was safe to show that type of affection because they had been friends since their early school years. Nobody would suspect that things had changed between them this past summer

“Every day for the last…oh, three days,” she answered with a little giggle as he set her on her feet again.

Tristan reached down to pick up the duffel bag that had dropped onto the ground when she launched herself at him and they started walking toward the school. They walked in silence until they reached the residential building and he stopped.

“Not coming in?” she asked. She had been hoping he would come up and help her get settled in. 

“Can’t,” he answered, not volunteering more information than that.

“Something important you need to do?” she asked, curious about his sudden nervousness.

“I’m-” It took him a minute to spit the words out. “I’m supposed to report to the Headmaster’s office,” he said. “I find out who my Pledge is today.” 

WITH MY NOTES:

The summer before Jade turned eighteen was better than any she could remember since her parents died. When their Not sure at this point who their is, so maybe just say her instead. final school year began that fall, she knew things were going to change between her and Tristan. She just never realized how much they would change.

When she stepped off the hover train Oh, now I'm intrigued. and onto the platform just outside the school gates, Tristan was waiting for her.This sentence is a bit telly. This a great place to throw in a description of Tristan. Instead of saying he's waiting for her you can have her catch a glimpse of his hair. Or the signature hat he wears. Or his eyes catch her and her body reacts. She smiled when she saw him. He always took the early hover train that came in the day before. That way, he could be settled in before most of the other students arrived. 

At the gate, Jade swiped the badge that was tattooed onto her left wrist, the Government’s form of an ID badge, and the guard what does the guard look like? Uniform? let her through with a smile. She ran over to Tristan and launched herself into his arms as the four other students, who had been on the train with her, scanned their own badges and walked through the gate.

“Miss me?” Tristan laughed Another opportunity to give a tiny clue to what Tristan looks like. as he gave her a quick squeeze and then released her. It was safe to show that type of affection because they had been friends since their early school years. Nobody would suspect that things had changed between them this past summer.

“Every day for the last…oh, three days,” she answered with a little giggle as he set her on her feet again.

Tristan reached down to pick up the duffel bag that had dropped onto the ground when she launched herself at him, and they started walking toward the school. They walked in silence until they reached the residential building and he stopped.

“Not coming in?” she asked. She had been hoping he would come up and help her get settled in. 

“Can’t,” he answered, not volunteering more information than that.

“Something important you need to do?” she asked, curious about his sudden nervousness.

“I’m- since she didn't interrupt and change to ...” It took him a minute to spit the words out. “I’m supposed to report to the Headmaster’s office,” he said. “I find out who my Pledge is today.” 

Okay, so this leaves me curious about your world. Lots of cool things hover trains, tattooed ID's, I really want to know what a Pledge is. I can tell this is some type of rule restricted school or maybe society as a whole. But I can also tell this is a world you've created that is different from ours. So I need you to take me there. Put me on the train to Hogwarts and whisk me away. LOL. What does the hover train look like? Is the station crowded? Is it sterile and cold environment or dusty and dirty with lots of lower class people. What does Tristan look like? What's he wearing? And the guard too. These are all things that pull me into Jade's world. You don't have to do info dumps or anything but throwing in little bits of description and information can really transport the reader. ;0)

It's a great start!! And you do have me interested in wanting to know more. I think with these added things you can crank up the intrigue factor and really make the reader want to know what happens next even more.

Okay, now it's your turn. Anything to add or disagree with me on. LOL.

You can check Megan out here:

http://megzmaddreadz.blogspot.com

http://mjwauthor2012.blogspot.com

SEE YA LATER~