Today we have the awesome Juliana Haygert and her query for her New Adult novel. I have to say I was very excited when I saw it was my day to critique and it was Juliana's query. Before I became MIA from the blog world I always stopped by her blog. And through bloghops I got to read excerpts of her work and she's super talented. So I'm going to stop babbling now and jump right in.
After she inherits her grandma’s ranch, life gets much more complicated. Her father disapproves of her choices, and her boyfriend, twenty-five year old Eric Bennett, a world famous Polo player, becomes possessive and authoritarian. Despite her best effort to disguise it, Hannah grows afraid of him.
Then twenty year old Leonardo Fernandes struts onto the Polo scene. A cocky rookie with a messy life of his own, he isn’t fazed and keeps staring at Hannah, even when Eric makes it clear she is his and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep it that way. Hannah suffers for Eric’s jealousy, and it only gets worse when Leonardo swipes the title of best Polo Player in the World from under Eric’s feet.
But the title isn’t enough for Leonardo. He wants Hannah too. And she can’t deny her attraction to him either. Somehow, she must find a way to break free from abusive Eric, before he breaks every bone in her body. Literally.
BREAKING THE REINS is a New Adult Contemporary Romance novel complete at 70,000 words.
Time for some color! I love color. Here we go:
Twenty year old Hannah Taylor’s life
revolves around horses, balls, mansions, tea parties, and all around lies. (I think
you can cut the list of things down a little. Just enough to make the point. I
got to lies and my ears perked up.) In front
of To others, her family and her
relationship with Eric is perfect. But she knows the truth. She lives it. the truth. (Maybe even switch it up a little bit: Horses, mansions, tea parties and
lies are twenty year old Hannah Taylor’s life. To others, her family and her
relationship with Eric is perfect. But she knows the truth. She lives it.)
Then twenty year old Leonardo Fernandes struts onto the Polo scene. A cocky rookie with a messy life of his own, (My kind of guy J) he isn’t fazed and keeps staring at Hannah, even when Eric makes it clear she is his and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep it that way. (This sentence is a little confusing to me. I think the order needs to be reversed. Why isn’t Leonardo not fazed? By the end of the sentence I assume it’s because of Eric?) Hannah suffers for Eric’s jealousy, and it only gets worse when Leonardo swipes the title of best Polo Player in the World from under Eric’s feet. (swipes from under his feet is one of those sayings that has been around forever and we all use it, but I’d like voice to shine through here. Can you give it a twist?)
But the title isn’t enough for Leonardo. He wants Hannah too. And she can’t deny her attraction to him either. Somehow, she must find a way to break free from abusive Eric, before he breaks every bone in her body. Literally. (Nice! Great last sentence.)
BREAKING THE REINS (Love this title) is a New Adult (Yay NA) Contemporary Romance novel complete at 70,000 words.
This is definitely my type of story. I want to know about Hannah and the lies and if she can break free of Eric. And I want to know all about Leonardo! You have a really great start and with a few tweaks it will be good to go. Thanks for sharing your query with us, Juliana.
What do you guys think? Oh and don't forget to check out Juliana on:
Cool. I like this kind of story too. Definitely my thing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the things Theresa said. Here's a few additional comments.
I think it'd give your query more punch if you did this w/the first line. Twenty year old Hannah Taylor’s life revolves around horses, balls, mansions, tea parties. And lies. (definitely get rid of all around).
With your last line, I like it except for the Literally. Cause Literally means every single bone in her body. And that's what I don't find believable. Every single bone? I get what you're going for, but I don't think Literally works here.
If you cut the EVERY, I think the literally would be fine, but if you don't, I'd cut the Literally.
Good luck!
I always learn so much when you all do the query critiques. It's definitely a skill I'll need to hone if and when I'm every book-ready!
ReplyDeleteI say this a lot when it comes to critiques but I think the FFF are usually on the same page. I agree with Theresa. I think the switch of putting her name and age at the end of the first sentence. This story sounds fantastic. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is just a nitpick, but shouldn't it be twenty-year-old, with the hyphens between each word? I never used hyphens when I wrote X year old until I began working at a newspaper and was required to do it. After five years of working there, even though I've been laid off for awhile now, I still do it the way they told me to do it.
ReplyDeleteYay, thanks for the nice suggestions!! <3
ReplyDelete